I love a good list. Not because life fits neatly into bullet points — it absolutely does not — but because sometimes the clearest way to say something is just to say it. No buildup, no context, just the thing.
These are things I know now that I wish I’d known at twenty. Some of them I learned the hard way. Some of them I learned by watching other people learn the hard way. A few I learned by reading the same book four times until it finally landed.
Here they are.
1. The version of events in your head is not the only version.
Whatever situation you’re currently convinced you understand completely, you probably don’t understand completely. Other people have context you don’t have, histories you don’t know, pressures you can’t see. This doesn’t mean you’re wrong. It means the picture is almost always bigger than what you can see from where you’re standing.
2. Asking for help is not the same as admitting failure.
For a long time, I treated asking for help like a last resort. This is backwards. Asking for help early means you spend less time struggling alone and more time actually moving forward. No one thinks less of you for it. If anything, people tend to like you more.
3. Most of the things you’re embarrassed about, no one else remembers.
The thing you said at that party three years ago. The email you sent with a typo. The moment you stumbled over your words in a meeting. You’ve replayed it dozens of times. The other person involved has, statistically, forgotten completely. We all think we’re more memorable than we are. Usually this is a relief.
4. Being interested is more attractive than being interesting.
I used to think the goal in any social situation was to say interesting things. What actually works is being genuinely curious about the other person. People love to feel heard. They leave conversations with you feeling like you’re fascinating, even if you spent most of the conversation asking questions.
5. The right time rarely exists. Start with the wrong time.
I’ve waited for the right time to start things so many times. The right time almost never shows up. What shows up is a moment that’s kind of inconvenient and slightly scary and probably not ideal — and you either take it or you don’t.
6. Your energy levels are information.
I spent years treating tiredness as a discipline problem. Eventually I realized: sometimes I’m tired because I’m doing too much, or doing things that drain me. Tiredness is data. What’s exhausting you? What’s energizing you? Pay attention to the answers.
7. The comparison instinct is normal. Acting on it is optional.
You will compare yourself to other people for the rest of your life. It’s just what brains do. The question is what you do with it. Sometimes comparison is jealousy. Sometimes it’s useful information about a direction you actually want to go. Worth knowing the difference.
8. People are mostly doing their best with what they have.
When someone is being difficult or unreasonable or just annoying, there’s usually a reason — not a good excuse, necessarily, but a reason. A bad day. A fear. A pressure you can’t see. Knowing this doesn’t mean you accept bad behaviour. It just means you stop taking it as personally, and that’s much better for your nervous system.
9. Finishing things feels better than you think it will.
We spend a lot of time starting things. Finishing them is a skill. Practice it.
10. The people who matter will still be there after the awkward conversation.
The conversations I’ve dreaded most have almost never gone as badly as I feared — and on the occasions when they did go badly, I survived that too. Avoiding hard conversations because you’re afraid of the reaction is, in almost every case, worse than having the conversation and finding out where you actually stand.
That’s the list for today. I’ll add more when I learn more things the hard way. That part, I’m fairly confident, will continue indefinitely.